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Mavs Insiders: Hockey Parenting Guide

By: Adam Twenter

As the sounds of the last school bells of the year become a distant memory and another warm, muggy summer sets sail, parents across this great land are reacquainting themselves with their children. It should be a glorious time of family bonding, picnics, trips to the lake, and vacations. However, all too often parents find themselves performing tasks more closely resembling refereeing than parenting. With that responsibility comes the obvious questions…

How long is too long of a timeout?

When does school start again?

Why did I think a 16 hour drive to the beach was a good idea?

When does school start again?

Can I send them to grandma’s house?

When does school start again?

But don’t worry parents; we have you covered with the Mavs Insiders Hockey Parenting Guide. These simple guidelines will make your summer a breeze and give you, the parent, the power play all summer long.

Tripping- Since the beginning of time, tripping has been the older siblings’ greatest weapon. Is little brother getting on your nerves? Wait until he comes racing down the hall and swiftly slide the foot out of a bedroom door. He’ll end up with carpet burn on his face, but the satisfaction on yours is totally worth it…until mom finds out.  Arm comes up, two minutes in the box to think about what you’ve done.

Elbowing- Sure, you want to practice that cool elbow drop wrestling move you saw on TV, but coming off the coffee table on your unsuspecting sister who’s sprawled out watching cartoons is not ok. Mom’s not going to like it either. Arm comes up and you’ve got a two minute penalty to kill off.

Hooking- This one is trickier to spot, but little Johnny delivering a shot to the ribs behind the play with his favorite Power Ranger toy is not something he can get away with, and he should know better. Call that every time and watch Johnny’s PIMs go through the roof. Don’t worry though, his street cred will increase by the minute. Arm goes up, Johnny’s sitting on the spot for two.

Slashing- Easy call. Anything on the legs you let it go, anything on the hands and Susie’s sitting for a bit. Typically a two minute infraction, but if she’s using an implement of destruction, don’t be afraid to tack on a five minute misconduct.

High Sticking- This includes baseball bats, tire irons, crowbars, wrenches, dowel rods, tree limbs, and surprisingly, hockey sticks. If your angel has it in his/her hands and it’s up around the face of little bro, off to the box we go. Two minutes for no blood, four if little man can show you some.

Diving/Embellishment- You know your kids are perfect in every way. They’d never embellish getting cracked on the arm or pushed in the back. Move along, nothing to see here.

Interference- This one is a total judgement call. But, if there’s tea party going on in the kitchen while mom is trying to get dinner ready, get that arm in the air and get Barbie and her friends moved out of there quick. Two minutes should do the trick. You deserve it, mom!

Fighting- Five minutes. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Game Misconduct- Saved for the most mortifying of offenses. The punishment is swift and packs a punch; arm goes up and the words, “Wait until your father comes home” are uttered. No time limit here, folks, just some personal reflection to think about life choices.

There you have it; The Mavs Insiders Hockey Parenting Guide that will get you through those hot days of summer. Now, get out there, make some memories this summer.

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